Marriage Enrichment Series

by Janna Wright

A couple years after my wedding day, I headed out of town for a work event. As I walked into the meeting room, I stopped so quickly the person behind me just about ran into me. There sitting on a chair was James, my college ex-boyfriend. Talk about unexpected! It was the first time we’d seen each other since college. I felt like rubbing my eyes a few times to be sure I wasn’t seeing things. James was as pleasant as could be, and (after the shock wore off) it was kind of fun to hear where he’d ended up.

Later as I pondered the chance encounter, I realized all over again that I don’t miss him. Oh, we had a good relationship way back when. James is a great guy who made me laugh. And we had a lot in common—not the least of which was a shared love of God and of music.

But when I look at how my life story has turned out, I realize God had a far better plan for me to marry my husband, Dave. So much better, in fact, that I want to wipe my forehead and say “Phew, thanks for saving me from the other choice!”

Dave and I have been married for fourteen years and three months. In our marriage lifetime we’ve inhabited five houses, driven ten different cars, worked fourteen jobs between us, and lived in three states ranging across 2,100 miles. And the best part? We love each other better now than the day we stood on the church platform in a tuxedo and fancy white gown.

So when the statistics warn that 50% of even Christian marriages end in divorce, how is it possible to find—and keep—the right one?

1. Spiritual growth

The first sign that you married the right person is that the two of you are still growing with God. Neither of you is resting on past godliness or expecting the other to be the sole spiritual one in the relationship. You’re both committed to God and know that your individual relationships with Him are your own responsibility. Personal spiritual growth lays the solid foundation for growth as a couple and for ultimate success in marriage too.

2. Love that endures

Marriage has its ups and downs, and every marriage will pass through different seasons – seasons of joy, plenty, sorrow, tight budgets, and perhaps even in-law drama. One of the signs that you married the right person is that you love each other through every season—the good days, the bad days, and the “meh” days in between. Your love for each other is the kind of love that endures. A love that is based on who the other person     Stimulating Discipleship is, not on peripheral things like how he acts or what she does for you or even how happy you feel together. Enduring love is based on the truth of who the other person is. It’s the deepest, truest kind of love because it’s patterned after the love God has for us.

3. Common enjoyment and inspiration

A couple who is right for each other truly likes being together. That may sound silly at first, but glance around and you’ll find a whole lot of couples who don’t appear to like each other all that much. If you and your spouse enjoy some things in common, like being in each other’s company, and continue to inspire each other, that’s a beautiful sign you married the right one! Whether it’s hiking, trying the new restaurant downtown, or just laughing at the same silly sitcom, you enjoy being together. And if through that connection you inspire laughter and enjoyment of life, that’s definitely a good sign.

4. Values that align

This is one of the biggies that often gets overlooked. A crucial sign that you married the right person is that you two are a values match. This means the two of you think the same intangibles are important. For my husband and me that’s things like faith, authenticity, creativity, inspiration, never speaking badly about your spouse to another person, being lifelong learners, going big for God. When you and your spouse align in values, you will pursue life in a way that’s compatible because you consider similar things important. A similar life view makes for strong connection which helps to create a lasting bond—the kind of bond lifelong marriages are made of.

5. Better together than apart

And the biggest sign that you married the right person is that the two of you are better together than apart. In this wild, crazy ride we call life, you’ve discovered that you handle life best side by side. You know deep down that God created you with the other in mind, and you are convinced to the depths of your soul that you can affect the world for God best as a team. You are stronger, smarter, braver, kinder, better versions of yourselves together. And you can happily say, “O magnify the Lord with me and let us exalt his name together” (Psalm 34:3).    

By Meg Gemelli

1. "I'm fine."

If there’s a single phrase that can kill intimacy in an instant, it’s this one. This deathly
two-word statement communicates a number of things to our husbands:

• "I can’t trust you enough to be honest."
• "You probably wouldn’t understand how I feel."
• "You should already know what I’m thinking and it’s not worth the time to explain."

Being honest with our partners can be scary sometimes, but the reward of healthy
intimacy is much greater than the risk.

“Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its
practices.” (Colossians 3:9)

2. "Whatever."

Recent studies suggest that the “nagging wife, checked-out husband” cycle may not be
the biggest threat to a relationship. Researchers are currently considering the ways
wives are using the silent treatment.

The effect can be debilitating. Marital satisfaction is low in couples with an angry, silent
wife – even more so than those who hash out problems heatedly, then return to
business as usual. A cold shoulder is perhaps the most dangerous kind of avoidance.

“Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than
yourselves.” (Philippians 2:3)

3. "Forget it, I'll just do it."

No phrase speaks to haste and superiority like this one. For any wife who’s slipped into
“go mode,” this one has probably come up. The mindset assumes that our husbands
are incapable or that different is bad. When control and over-functioning becomes the
norm, our partners won’t be likely to offer help in the future.

“We ask you, brothers and sisters, to acknowledge those who work hard among you,
who care for you in the Lord and who admonish you. Hold them in the highest regard in
love because of their work...” (1 Thessalonians 5:12-13)

4. "Calm down."

You shouldn’t feel like that. I can’t handle your emotions. This conversation will happen
on my terms. Those are the messages we send when we tell a spouse to “relax.” For
those of us with conflict-avoidant personalities, anger feels scary. We want to stop it, but
healthy conflict management requires us to acknowledge every emotion. We need to
hear our partner’s honest thoughts without forcing him to speak through our own
comfort filters.

“Spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish.” (Proverbs 18:13)

5. "Why are you doing it like that?"

Nobody likes a chronic micro-manager. These questions are often addressed to
children, but no man wants to feel like a child in his wife’s eyes. There are more
thoughtful ways to help.

“Do you need me to do anything?” is a much better option. We remove the accusation
of failure or judgment and create an atmosphere of partnership – the foundation of any
great marriage.

"He makes the whole body fit together perfectly. As each part does its own special work,
it helps the other parts grow… healthy… and full of love.” (Ephesians 4:16)

6. "You're just like your..."

This comment assures its recipient that his entire family comes from a line of bad seed.
It’s an identity-labeler. You’ll never change. You can’t help yourself. I don’t like your
(Dad) and I don’t like you at the moment. There’s no punishment like throwing a
relative’s sins in the face of a spouse.

In the moment, we feel justified to point out a pattern, but over time, shame, distance,
and helplessness is fostered, making change and intimacy seem impossible. We may
not always agree with our husband’s decisions, but choices can change. His identity in
Christ never will.

“But to all who believed Him and accepted Him, He gave the right to become children of
God.” (John 1:12)

7. "My mom thinks we should..."

You told your Mom about that? Social women easily share too much information with
friends and family. While it’s helpful to garner wisdom, our husbands may feel betrayed
if we’re not discerning about when and how it’s done.

Some men have a private nature when it comes to sharing personal information, due to
a responsibility to lead the family. Before taking our business to the neighbors, we
should first go to the relationship that matters most.

“Her husband has full confidence in her… She brings him good, not harm, all the days
of her life.” (Proverbs 31:11-12)

8. "I'm never getting married again!"

A woman I know shouted this during an argument. The purpose was to inspire change
in her husband, but he heard, “You’ve single-handedly ruined marriage for me. I’d rather
be alone for the rest of my life than have another marriage as bad as this one.” He felt
like a failure.

We can avoid terminal comments by tackling each problem as it comes, instead of
snowballing them into one giant fear of the future. Occasional discord is unavoidable,
but there’s hope when we remember that we have an enemy, and it’s not our spouse.

“She is clothed in strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.” (Proverbs
31:25)

9. "If you would just [fill in the blank] then I would..."

“Tit-for-tat” is modern-day relationship currency. Sadly, commitment is driven by what we
get out of relationships and respect has become something to be earned.

Though it feels like we need a reason to do the right thing, the Bible says otherwise.
We’re instructed to respond kindly, even to those who treat us poorly. Women often set
the emotional temperature in their homes. We’re called to be initiators of love, not
reactors, and encourage our families to follow suit.

“We who are strong must be considerate of those who are sensitive about things like
this. We must not please ourselves. We should help others do what is right and build
them up in the Lord.” (Romans 15:1-2)

10. "I'm not "in love" with you anymore."

It’s a fact that 100 percent of us will “fall out of love” within a few years of marriage. In
the beginning, adrenaline is responsible for the heart fluttering sensations of a new
partner. Dopamine increases energy. Seratonin keeps love interests on our minds
throughout the day, and ocytocin and vasopressin are responsible for pleasure and
bonding.

Excitement subsides after two or so years of contact with the same person, so we’re in
big trouble when we peg our “love” on a physiological response! It’s not a feeling, but an
act of devotion to the one God gave.

by Brittany Rust

Marriage can be a beautiful thing and certainly something to be enjoyed. If you find a
godly spouse, indeed, you find a good thing. But no relationship is perfect and sometimes
your spouse will say something that gets on your nerves; we’ve all been there if married
very long at all!

This one’s for the husbands; a list of things better left unsaid to your wife. It’s not all inclusive
and this isn’t to point you out; us wives have some things better left unsaid as well. But in case
you’re wondering, here are 10 comments that might bother your wife.

1. “You should have asked for help.”

A woman wants a husband who will care for her and watch over her. She wants a protector and
to feel taken care of. Because of this, it’s nice when our husband notices we might need help with
something and jumps in for the support.
Sometimes a wife might need help reaching for that bowl above the refrigerator or picking up the
cheerios on the floor. This is a great opportunity to jump in and serve your wife.
If you don’t jump in and maybe your wife seems frustrated or mentions she would have like
helped, refrain from commenting she should have asked for it. A comment like that will leave her
feeling alone and uncared for.

2. “We just don’t agree so let’s not talk about it.”

Sometimes the logic is, if I know we won’t agree on the topic or see eye to eye, let’s not talk
about it. But not talking about it doesn’t make the difference go away. If anything, it creates a
gap that will only grow with time.

I’ve watched this happen when it comes to politics, family, and even the Bible. Don’t be afraid to
talk to your wife regarding a sensitive issue just because you don’t think you’ll agree. Take the
opportunity to really listen to each other and grow closer through the differences.

3. “Why are you doing it that way?”

When we’re working on something we care about or pour a lot of time into, we look to our
husband for encouragement and validation. What you don’t want to do is start critiquing how your wife is going about her project. Avoid making statements that call into question her ability;
this will significantly discourage her. It’s ok to compliment and then ask, “have you ever thought
of trying this?” This approach encourages her and leads to bettering each other, rather than
critiquing.

4. “Looks the same to me.”

Your wife gets a new haircut, works out to lose a few pounds, or tries out a new makeup look.
She wants to know you notice and might ask “how do I look” or “can you tell I made a change?”
If so, never say anything close to “you look the same to me.”

Your wife wants you to notice her, in both the small and significant ways. Make a comment
about how you like the new look or appreciate the hard work she’s put into the new effort.

5. “What did you do all day?”

This is a big no, no! Some women stay home to take care of the kiddos while the husband goes
to work, or perhaps works from home. I beg you to please never come home and ask your wife
what she’s been doing all day. Maybe the house isn’t perfect or dinner is a bit late, but I promise
you that any woman staying home to care for the family, whether that be with kids or a stay-athome
job, is not bored or sitting around the house all day.

6. “What did you say?”

If your wife is sharing something with you, please don’t tune her out as you look at your phone
or daydream about the upcoming game (or whatever it is men daydream about!). The last thing
your wife wants to hear after she has said something is, “what did you say?” This can be
incredibly discouraging and deflating.

7. “I don’t know.”

Your wife is looking for her keys or asking what you’d like for dinner, just to name a few
examples. She’s turning to you for some insight or help. When you say “I don’t know” and keep
doing what you’re doing, you leave your wife feeling alone.
Instead, jump in and ask how you can help, offer to look with her, or make some suggestions.

8. “I’ll do it later.”

She asks for some help with the house, or for you to run to the grocery store. You respond with
“I’ll do it later” but forget or do it a few days later. Here’s the deal: if you do say it, be the person
who does it within a reasonable time that doesn’t leave your wife stressed. Only then, having a track record of getting things done, may you use this phrase. If your history is spotty, it’s time to
amp up your timeliness!

9. “I don’t remember saying that” or “You’re remembering that wrong.”

When remembering some details, both people are going to feel confident in their memory. Be
careful how you handle this conversation or it could quickly turn into a fight.
If you feel confident in your memory, try something different like “they way I remember it is…”
and approach it from a neutral perspective. Saying something like “you’re remembering it
wrong” can feel like an attack and put your wife on the defense.

10. “It’s up to you.”

You’re trying to come up with a plan or figure out where to eat and your wife asks for your
opinion. You then respond, “it’s up to you.” This can be a frustrating remark to hear and make
your wife feel alone or bossy. Engage in conversation with her to find a solution that works for
both of you!
 

Brittany Rust

Her story has both captivated and significantly challenged me over the years in many ways. Her
bravery, faith, and obedience have encouraged me to be a better follower of Christ. Her name is
Ruth, and for someone so new to the faith in the book of her namesake, she shows us a map for
our own journey that is uniquely remarkable.
One of the things I adore most about her story is that it is subtle, much like our own. She doesn’t
have a great position or come from a famous, godly family. She’s a widow from an enemy nation
with no prospects. Yet, God moves so mightily in her story and uses it to encourage millions.
If you read the book, and I hope you do, you’ll be able to see the fingerprints of God all over her
life. You won’t see God’s voice thunder down like in other stories, or see miraculous happenings
that change everything. What you do see is her life being gradually led by a God who she
believed in, and at the end, you can look back and see how He orchestrated natural events for His
divine glory.
There are many things we could learn from her story but five, in particular, are worth
mentioning.
1. Don’t Let the Past Hold You Back
At the beginning of the book Ruth is living in her home nation of Moab; a place and people that
the Israelites frowned down upon. On top of that, she has lost her husband and is now living with
her widowed mother-in-law. She also lost her husband without a child, some believing she may
have barren.
The pain Ruth must have been in was immense. As she embarked on her first journey to Israel,
she must have been nervous. Ruth had so many reasons to shrink into a shell and live in
obscurity. But she didn’t. Ruth didn’t allow her past to hold her back but believed there was life
still to be lived and move forward in that confidence.
You have a purpose regardless of what lies behind you. Although your confidence might be
wavering, your calling does not.
2. Be Full of Faith
Ruth showed remarkable faith for such a young believer. Faith that there was still a purpose for
her ahead. Faith to believe that God was who He said He was. And faith to believe that God
would provide for her and Naomi. If you’re in an unsure place, start with faith. Hebrews 11:1 defines faith as, “the assurance of
things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.”You might not be able to see what God is
doing, but trust that He is moving.
3. Value Great Character
Character is who you are when nobody's watching. Ruth had no idea her story would be
showcased for millions to read and yet showed incredible character in the obscurity.
She went above and beyond in showing respect and honor to her bitter mother-in-law. She
worked hard in the field to provide food for her and Naomi. Ruth proved to be a woman of
integrity with Boaz. Everything she did represented a woman of great character and God honored
her.
Be a woman of character. Cut the gossip in the name of a prayer request. Share with your
husband the shopping addiction you find yourself in. Stop relying on food to make you feel
better. Be the woman you know God created you to be and Jesus died so you could embrace.
4. Believe Redemption is Possible
Against all odds redemption is always possible. Ruth had no reason to believe she had earned
anything but believed God was everything she needed. Ruth believed God would provide and in
that place of faith God did a miraculous work to redeem Ruth.
He took a poor, hurting outcast and healed her, provided for her, and brought her a great love
with Boaz.
Redemption is possible in your life. No matter where you come from or what you've been
through, God has a plan for you that far surpasses all of that.
5. Leave a Legacy
Perhaps one of the best parts of Ruth’s story is the legacy God established through her. God
brought her and Boaz together and they conceived a child. That child would be in the lineage of
Jesus, the Savior of the world. Ruth, a Moabite, was made part of the lineage of Christ.
If you commit your life to God and your calling is firm in Him, there is no limit to what God can
do through you. Leave a legacy to your family and those all around you--a legacy of faith.
It wasn't an easy life for Ruth. She grew up in a wicked nation. She suffered the loss of her
husband. She followed Naomi to a foreign land and lived in poverty. All very difficult
circumstances to say the least. However, as I pointed out at the beginning of this article, we can
see God’s fingerprints all over Ruth's story and there is no doubt He was at work the entire time.
It was a long and difficult journey, but it ended with redemption. Ruth started out empty, but she
ended full!
No matter what your season may be, remember that God is at work in your life. He is weaving a
beautiful tapestry; it's not finished, but it is in progress. Know that God is gracious, good, and
that He loves you. If you find yourself discouraged on this journey, take another look at the life
of Ruth and remember that God works for the good of His people.

Brittany Rust

I’ve heard people say marriage is hard, but mostly all I noticed during the many years I was
single was that marriage looked pretty fun. There were the double dates, constant
companionship, and vacations together. People mentioned it was hard but I never really knew
what that meant...until now.
Next week I celebrate my one-year anniversary with my dashing husband Ryan and it’s been the
best year! I’ve learned a lot in the last year; things I could have only learned in marriage. Things
you learn when you share one space with another who can push your buttons like no other. Or
when you’re house hunting and finding the middle ground can be a challenge. Or when you’re
balancing your checkbook together.
Here are eight valuable lessons I’ve learned in my first year of marriage:

1. Communicate, communicate, communicate
My husband and I are in the middle of buying our first home. At first, it was exciting as we
dreamed about a place to make our own, settle into for a while, and start our family. But now,
four months later and no end in sight, it has become the largest source of conflict in our marriage
thus far.
What we’ve learned in this particular journey is that communication is key. It’s not safe to
assume your spouse can read your mind or has picked up on your subtle remarks. I cannot stress
enough how important it is to be clear in your expectations, hopes, and doubts. I think for women
especially, we fail to be a hundred percent clear because we believe our husband is picking up on
everything we say. Or, we say one thing and mean the other because we want them to draw in.
However, this isn’t fair to our spouse nor is it healthy. Always be transparent and communicate
even when you think you don’t need to--it will save you a lot of trouble down the road.
2. Learn how to deal with conflict
Avoiding conflict is easily one of the worst things you can do in your relationship with anybody.
It breeds bitterness, contempt, and frustration that will only hurt your marriage. I used to avoid
conflict like the plague because I was scared of how the person would react. But then I realized
conflict is beneficial if done properly.
Approach any conflict with a willing ear, focus on the core issue, and follow the SET formula
developed by Jerold Kreisman, M.D. It stands for Support, Empathy, and Truth, and provides a
guideline in handling conflict. Essentially, first let your spouse know you are there for them, then relate to their feeling, and finally, you can share your truth. Learn how to do this well and your
marriage will be much healthier!
3. Go the extra mile
When we were first married I wanted to go above and beyond in being the good wife. I’d make
Ryan breakfast every morning, have dinner cooking and the candles lit when he got home, and
found every possible way to serve him. But then the honeymoon phase started to fade and I
began serving him less.
You may work 8-5 every day and feel too exhausted to go the extra mile for your spouse, but
never stop serving them. It’s the little things in life that make your significant other feel special
and loved. Plan a special date, make them dinner, leave a note--always be thinking about how
you can make your spouse feel cared for.
4. Both eyes on the finances
One of the common conflicts in marriage is finances; in many cases, there is one spouse that
ends of carrying most of the burden. That person balances the checkbook, makes sure all the bills
are paid on time, and watches the expenses. In fact, they often have to keep the other spouse “in
line” when it comes to their spending.
Ryan and I were both single for a long time and we each learned to be financially responsible,
however, when we got married I let this task default to Ryan. I learned pretty quickly it was
important to Ryan and our marriage that we share in managing our finances. Don’t neglect to go
through your family budget together on a regular basis so that both are on the same page; it’s a
large and unnecessary burden for one spouse to feel like they always have to carry alone.
5. Support each other’s dreams in every season
I have some big dreams and Ryan has always been my greatest cheerleader. It means the world to
me that he always looks for ways to encourage and sharpen me in my pursuit of the calling on
my life. When he does this, it’s always when I feel the most loved.
When two people decide to become one, dreams are adopted. Embrace the dreams (and the
accompanying sacrifices) of your spouse! There will be days in the valley and days on top of a
mountain so live by Romans 12:15 to “rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who
weep.” In both, you will draw closer together.
6. Value all forms of intimacy
There are four forms of intimacy and all are equally important, although for each spouse there
will be one or a few that they place the most value on. It’s necessary to connect spiritually,
mentally, sexually, and emotionally to experience those most powerful moments of intimacy.
You may value emotional intimacy most, but your spouse may value mental more than the
others. Place a high importance on ensuring they connect with you on the level they value most.
Never neglect one of these connections, but do learn what’s most important to your spouse and
meet them there.
7. Don’t fix your spouse
I’m a fixer by nature and sometimes that can be a bad thing. For instance, it’s not your job to
make sure your spouse is praying, or responsible, or is where you think they should be. Here’s a
very important piece of advice for you: love your spouse and pray for them. Beyond that, let God
do the work. You might feel the need to send them sermons and account for their time with the
Lord. Or maybe you think it's your job to make sure they stay on task at home. Don’t set out to
“fix” your spouse, but pray Scripture over them and allow God to speak to their hearts. It’s your
job to be their teammate, not their coach.
8. Ask God to help you every single day
Marriage is hard and I know I need God every day to be the spouse I believe my husband
deserves. There are days you will be frustrated and it will be hard to like your spouse. Sometimes
you’ll want to put yourself before them. You might feel too tired at the end of the day to serve.
It’s for these very reasons and many more you and I need God’s help to truly be there for the
person we love.
Each day make a point to invite God into your marriage, ask for His help, and pray that you can
be selfless. Putting another before yourself is perhaps one of the hardest things a person can do,
but remember what Philippians 4:3-4 says about this. Because it’s hard you’ll need God’s help,
so ask for it and rely on Him to be the best spouse you can be.

Debra Fileta

“You’ve got to make time to invest in your marriage.”
If you’re married, it’s likely you’ve heard that phrase at least once. In fact, I was visiting a good
friend recently and we were talking about our respective marriages when that topic came up.
The conversation we were having revolved around the idea that people are constantly telling
young married couples to “invest in their marriage” without explaining what on earth that
actually means.
While it sounds like a noble idea, the concept of “investing in your marriage” can seem so
far away for many couples, particularly during the first decade of marriage. Think about all
that is going on during those first few years of your marriage. If you’re anything like us, most
likely, you’re raising young children, sleep deprived, worn out from work, all the while trying to
survive financially, make meals, and somehow keep the house from looking like a hurricane
passed through it.
It’s hard to figure out how to find the time or energy to “invest” in one more thing during these
busy seasons of life.
As a professional counselor, I know that offering blanket statements like telling people to invest
in their marriage, can often discourage more than encourage. So, in a practical sense, what does
it actually mean to invest in your marriage when life is crazy and beyond? Here are a few bitesized
things to consider doing as a way to invest in your marriage:
Connect Spiritually
One of the most beautiful aspects of marriage comes with the opportunity to emotionally and
spiritually connect with another human being. Add to that, the gift of Christian marriage that
gives us an opportunity to connect, not only with one another, but with a holy and almighty God.
Oftentimes, believing couples tend to take their spiritual connection for granted, forgetting that
some of the most intimate moments in marriage are when we’re sharing our hearts,
communicating what’s in our spirit, and interacting about our relationship with God.
I can honestly tell you that some of the most intimate times I spend with my husband are the
moments we sit, hand in hand, at the end of the day and just pray about whatever is going on in
our lives. It’s a simple act, yet has a supernatural outcome. If you’re looking for a really powerful way of investing in your marriage, consider setting some time aside weekly or even
daily to pray together and share about what God is doing in each of your lives.
Communicate Regularly
Believe it or not, the average married couple spends just minutes a day in active and meaningful
communication. It’s also a known fact that communication gets less and less with each year of
marriage. I don’t know about you, but hearing that saddens me, because there is so much joy in
being able to communicate with your spouse. When it comes to communicating, it’s important
to realize that there are levels of conversation. Facts are the most superficial level, followed
by opinions and ideas, followed by the deepest level of sharing our feelings and emotions with
one another. That can be uncomfortable for some people, depending on how they were raised or
the kind of communication they’ve grown accustomed to.
But the truth is, each level of conversation is important, and has to be deliberately worked into
conversation. If you want to do something small that will have a big impact on your marriage, set
aside 10-20 minutes a day sitting face to face with your spouse, for the sole purpose of
communicating. Don’t let this be the time to discuss conflict or problems, but just a time to catch
up and keep up with one another. Consider asking open-ended questions like: What was the
best part of your day today? or What’s something I can do to help you out this week? The goal of
this time is to enjoy each other and encourage one another.
Touch Often
Before we had children, I remember observing a couple we were friends with who had children.
Between feeding their kids at meal times, and keeping them entertained and occupied during our
fellowship time, I noticed that they hardly ever had any physical contact with each other. No
hand-holding. No snuggling on the couch. No arms around the shoulder. Fast forward a few
years and a few kids later, and I totally understand the struggle of trying to connect physically
with your spouse, all while being pulled in a million different directions.
But even during seasons of life when it’s hard to come by, physical touch is such an important
part of investing in your marriage. Take inventory of your marriage, and find times (or even
schedule times if you have to!) where you can be deliberate about holding hands, kissing often,
making love, or even doing something as simple as touching your spouse’s back as you pass
them in the kitchen. Physical touch conveys to your spouse that: I notice you, I desire you, and I
want to be near you. Talk about a great investment!
Confess and Forgive Frequently

As much as we talk about confession and forgiveness within the church, I believe we often fail to
apply it in the context of our marriages, because let’s be honest, it’s a hard task! The idea of
being vulnerable and sharing your weaknesses and shortcomings with another person can be a
really hard pill to swallow…which is precisely why God calls us to do it. The practice of letting
down our pride in the act of confession opens the door for the opportunity to forgive, which is
the sacred glue that holds marriages together.
The couples I see in my practice who are highly satisfied in marriage, are not the ones who have
the least amount of disagreement, but the ones who have the most forgiveness. God has forgiven
each one of us of so much, and those who live in that freedom are freed to forgive others. Invest
in your marriage by taking the time to search your heart frequently, being honest with your
spouse about the things you are longing to change and the areas you need to ask for forgiveness.
"Get Away" Weekly
They say that couples who “pray together stay together”. But I think it can also be said that
couples who play together, have the most fun! Life can get busy, and the stress of it all can make
us lose sight of the fact that God wants us to enjoy one another and the life he’s given us. Invest
in your marriage by taking one time a week and setting aside the time to go out (or stay in if you
can’t afford a weekly sitter) and do something fun! Play a board game on the living room floor,
go out for a fun dinner, take a hike, pack a picnic lunch, or even go on a scenic drive. The
possibilities are endless, and what you’re doing matters so much less than who you’re doing it
with. Rekindle your love for one another, by rekindling your friendship.
Investing in your marriage often means doing small things deliberately that will ultimately
have a huge impact. Whether you’ve been married for 5 days, or 50 years, it’s never too early or
too late to start making a difference in your marriage.

by Laura Rennie

I had no idea what I was getting into when I married my husband seven years ago at the young
age of 21. I had grown up watching my parents hold hands and dance in the kitchen, and I rarely
ever saw them argue. I read books about being a Godly woman and felt confident I had what it
took to be a great wife. (How naïve and proud was I?) I thought I was prepared… but boy, was I
wrong!

I didn’t realize how much pressure I was putting on myself and on my husband to be perfect for
one another. I wish it hadn’t taken painful conversations and times of heartache for me to accept
the following:
1. I am prideful and selfish.
I didn’t realize this about myself at the time, but I went into marriage expecting to be treated like
a princess. I felt hurt, angry and let down when my husband would have a cranky attitude or
wouldn’t read my mind about doing the dishes. I thought, if he loved me, he would know to do
____ or say ____. I viewed his lack of taking me on dates as a lack of love and interest. I became
jealous of the time he spent with friends.
Instead of believing the best in my spouse, I made everything about me. I allowed myself to
think he was failing me, but in reality I was failing him. Thankfully, a wise friend lovingly
challenged me to stop focusing on what I felt were my husband’s shortcomings and instead focus
on my own heart and actions. I was ashamed to realize how prideful and selfish I was being!
“Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank
in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’
when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your
own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” —Matthew
7:3-5 (NIV)
Something beautiful happened when I shifted from asking God to change my husband to asking
God to change me. Not only did I grow in my understanding of what it looks like to serve and
obey Christ, but I also had a better attitude when it came to serving my husband (regardless of
whether or not I felt served back). And SHOCKER — my husband and I both enjoyed our
relationship much more when I stopped nitpicking every little thing that I wanted to change!
Do you show grace and gratitude to your spouse, or only focus on what you think he’s doing
wrong? How could you better love your spouse?
2. Your spouse should not and cannot be your source of happiness and identity.
As a newlywed, I often took it personally when my husband would come home from work and
want alone time instead of time together, or if he was in a bad mood, or if he didn’t want to do
something that I wanted to do. I thought, he must not be happy with ME. He must not want to do
things with ME. I wondered that if I was prettier, or a better cook, or knew more about sports,
maybe then I would be “the perfect wife.” I would thrive under his compliments and tender love,
but I would easily deflate if he didn’t notice a new top or forgot to thank me for making dinner.
I wish I could say it didn’t take long for me to change my way of thinking, but it wasn’t until
around year three or four of our marriage that it hit me — if I based my happiness on the words
and actions of an imperfect person, I would always be disappointed!
I love these words from author and speaker Lysa TerKeurst: "When you aren't depending on your
husband to fill you up, then he can make mistakes and you are still okay. He can say the wrong
thing and you can forgive him quickly. He can struggle and question his direction and you don't
fall into despair. He can be your partner and your friend, because he does not have to be your
savior.” As painful as it can be to have insecurities, arguments and unmet expectations, hardships
in marriage can grow us closer to God. Though I am not perfect and my spouse is not perfect, our
God is!
What do you think would happen in your marriage if you released your spouse from the
impossible task of meeting your every need, and instead chose to lean on the Lord for joy,
strength and security?
3. God calls me to show respect even when I don’t feel loved.
Oh man, do I ever struggle with this one! I knew respect was important to men before I got
married, but I was unprepared for how hard it would be to show respect when I don’t feel it’s
deserved. When Andy hurts my feelings, I’m tempted to say something hurtful in return. When
he loses his temper, I often lose mine right back. It’s tempting to think that biting my tongue
means he’ll be “getting away” with being unkind.
“Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude. Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t retaliate with
insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has
called you to do, and he will grant you his blessing.” — 1 Peter 3:8b-9
I can trust God to sanctify my spouse. I can choose to respond to harsh words calmly and
rationally. (Or, if my emotions are out of control, I can remove myself from the situation before I
say something I will regret.) Commit to responding with kind and neutralizing words the next
time you feel an argument is about to happen. Trust that God sees your efforts and will bless you
for honoring Him.
4. Marriage takes work, but the work yields rewards!
Married couples often seem to either describe marriage as being the most fun ever or being a lot
of work. Thinking of marriage as work sounds bad, as though something about the relationship
must be going wrong. Yet consider this: do you put effort into your friendships? Do you try to
celebrate your friend when she gets a promotion or show extra grace to a friend when you know
she’s going through a hard time? Do you ever feel frustrated or let down by a friend, but you
choose to not give up on them? It’s the same way with marriage.
Most days, loving Andy and being his wife is easy and fun and a joy. He makes me laugh harder
than anyone else, I find him incredibly attractive and he is a hard worker and fantastic provider.
Some days, though, I feel disconnected from him. Sometimes conversations turn into arguments,
or misunderstandings leave me hurt and frustrated. But the work of choosing to believe the best,
choosing to suffer long and choosing to extend grace and kindness yields beautiful results. It may
take weeks, months or even years to see growth in your marriage, but you can trust that God is at
work in both of your hearts.
Thank God for being faithful to work in us and trust that “He who began a good work in you will
carry it on to completion.” (Philippians 1:6b)

by April Motl

Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort
to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. Ephesians 4:2-3 NIV
Before I was married, I imagined that patience was needed before the altar more than afterward.
In our pursuit for purity in our relationship I thought I was exercising all the patience I would
need to... and it was a lot, so I figured God would think I’d learned all the patience I needed. Me
and our marriage wouldn’t need any more patience exercises or anything like that, right?.... and
heaven laughed...hysterically!

Apparently patience and waiting were something that was going to become a hallmark of the
Motls. We waited seven years to get married, almost ten years to have our little one after years of
infertility, ministry desires have waited and simmered (and continue to) for seasons until the
Lord lined circumstances up for all the needed ingredients to blossom. And those are just the
public, visible occasions for patience.

Just like you, our marriage has held countless private moments where one or both of us just had
to dust off our patience pants and wait. Life brings grief, loss, disappointment - and as we
process those things individually we might feel out of sink with our spouse. One of us might be
enjoying a season of blessing and success while the other struggles under a feeling of
disappointment or failure because some doors were closed.

The Lord might lay a goal or direction on one person’s heart, but the other doesn’t feel the same
urgency. Patience is the glue that holds our hearts together as we walk this journey of life.
I remember one day I was so very done holding onto patience over one area of our marriage. I
was just so discouraged and frustrated I was ready to let it all explode. I felt the Lord so
distinctly say to me, “Now is not the time to let go of patience.”

It was like He was showing me that it was simply a matter of choosing to not let this gift, this
shining facet of His character, fall from my grip. I had no idea if holding onto patience would
produce any changes, but I decided I’d hang on. Maybe just for today, but I’d hang onto God’s
character for our relationship.

Later that day, my man actually said, “I know you’ve been really patient about all this and I’ve
been trying...” He didn’t know it, but I went and balled my eyes out. I was a hair away from
blasting him because I felt entitled to it, yet he was trying and noticing that I’d been patient.

I could have washed away so much from his good efforts and our relationship with one moment
of lost patience. That area of our relationship still requires patience and some of the desired
outcomes I might wish for haven’t happened yet. But holding onto patience has produced fruit in
me. And who knows, maybe that’s the point of it all.

Early in our marriage, my hubby and I took another newlywed couple camping in Yosemite. We
went on this epic hike. But it was a LOT longer, than we’d packed water for. The other husband
in our little newlywed group took off ahead of everyone, forgoing the trails and making his own.
He had his water and his wife’s.

I shared mine with her and my little water bottle was soon empty.

I didn’t realize what was wrong at the time, but since I tend to not drink enough water anyway, I
got dehydrated. The rest of the hike I was like a deadweight. My hubby got behind me and kept
encouraging me on. I was so thankful he stayed back with me even though he could have been
making much better time. Eventually we got to the top and the view was amazing! He took me to
the top of the world!

That hike has been a picture for me time and time again. We can hike off on our own, or we can
stick together and even if it feels like the other person (or their issue at the time) is a bit of
deadweight, the view from the top will take our breath away and it’s worth the extra time and
patience to share it.

Jennifer O. White

The difficulties in marriage can feel like millstones around our necks if
we don’t choose to see them as stepping-stones to the “more than we
can ask or imagine” God has for us. Realizing we need God’s help is
just the beginning of living with the real, sustainable joy only He can
offer.

With the humble act of praying, you and I become ready recipients of
the wisdom, strength, and unity God is waiting to release into our lives.
What could be more satisfying than seeing God fill in the gaping holes
of your marriage with His sufficiency?

God is well aware of the war raging against our marriages. The battle is
His to fight and He is calling us to show up, surrender, and salute His
authority. In the book of James, God teaches us how to cooperate with
Him and recognize the evil schemes that lure us away from the blessings
of obedience. Let’s pray our way through these verses with great
expectations that God will answer in ways that will breathe life and
peace into our hearts and marriages.

Father, help me and ____ to live completely devoted to serving You
and Jesus.

This letter is from James, a slave of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ. I
am writing to the “twelve tribes”—Jewish believers scattered abroad.
Greetings! James 1:1

Help us, Father, to see all of our trials as opportunities to
rejoice.
Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way,
consider it an opportunity for great joy. James 1:2
Thank You, Father, for using trials to teach us endurance and to
perfect us.
For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a
chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully
developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing. James
1:3-4
Father, I am very grateful that You are so ready to give us the
wisdom we need.
If you need wisdom, ask our generous God, and he will give it to you.
He will not rebuke you for asking. James 1:5
Reveal to us, Father, where our loyalty to You is lacking and causing
our marriage to be vulnerable.
But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not
waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the
sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. Such people should not expect
to receive anything from the Lord. Their loyalty is divided between God
and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do. James 1:6-8
Help us, Father, to see how much You value us regardless of our
accomplishments.
Believers who are poor have something to boast about, for God has
honored them. And those who are rich should boast that God has
humbled them. They will fade away like a little flower in the field. The
hot sun rises and the grass withers; the little flower droops and falls, and
its beauty fades away. In the same way, the rich will fade away with all
of their achievements. James 1:9-11
Help us Father, to patiently endure tests of our faith and resist
temptations that could hurt our marriage.
God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation.
Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to
those who love him. James 1:12
Help us, Father, to recognize temptations and pray about them
before they grow in power to destroy us.
Let no one say when he is tempted, “I am being tempted by God,” for
God cannot be tempted with evil, and he himself tempts no one. But
each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire.
Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin, and sin when it is
fully grown brings forth death. Do not be deceived, my beloved
brothers. James 1:13-16
Thank You, Father, for filling our marriage with Your unchanging
goodness and gifts which are perfect for us.
Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from
the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to
change. James 1:17
Father, help me become the person who listens most intently to my
spouse when he/she speaks.
Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow
to speak, slow to anger; James 1:19

Thank You, Father, for the gift of the Holy Spirit who helps me keep
a guard over my mouth so that I am slow to speak.
Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow
to speak, slow to anger; James 1:19
Lord, teach me to handle my anger so that I grow in godliness as
_____’s wife/husband.
Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow
to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the
righteousness of God. James 1:19-20
Grant us new revelations of Your Word, Lord, so that we do not
cooperate with any form of evil.
Therefore put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive
with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls.
James 1:21
Fill me, Lord, with courage and power so that I am a living
demonstration of Your Word to my husband/wife.
But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves.
James 1:22
Help us, Father, to overcome every temptation to take Your Word
lightly.
For if you listen to the word and don’t obey, it is like glancing at your
face in a mirror. You see yourself, walk away, and forget what you look
like. But if you look carefully into the perfect law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don’t forget what you heard, then God will
bless you for doing it. James 1:23-25
Coach us, Lord, to diligently control our tongues.
If you claim to be religious but don’t control your tongue, you are
fooling yourself, and your religion is worthless. James 1:26
Purify our self-focused hearts, Father, and move us to serve those
who can’t help themselves.
Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring
for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world
corrupt you. James 1:27
Reveal to us, Lord, where we are vulnerable to the world’s
corruption and help us avoid it.
Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring
for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world
corrupt you. James 1:27

 

By Diane Medved

Evan was a happily married professor whose students often came to office hours asking for advice and recommendations for graduate work. With two kids and no intention of straying from his marriage, he certainly considered it unethical to have a relationship with a student.

But his resolve slipped with a woman, not his student, who made an appointment to explore grad school options in the department. She was at a crossroads, recently divorced and looking for ways to increase her income. Perhaps it was the combination of her neediness and her looks that led Evan to accept her first invitation for coffee.

Their affair had gone on for a month when his wife, Kelly, found a telltale text. The affair hurt her to the core, and Evan felt awful. He came to me for advice on repairing the breach he’d created.

I wanted to speak separately to each of them. Broadsided when she found the text, Kelly would have packed up and left if it weren’t for the children, ages five and nine. Having taken time out from her career to stay at home while the children were young, she didn’t have an income at the moment. And Evan’s pleading and remorse suggested that leaving might be throwing away her marriage just to salve her devastated pride.

Is rebuilding trust in your marriage possible after betrayal? The answer, as I told Evan and Kelly, is YES. Here are the six steps couples can take to successfully move past infidelity:

1. The offender needs to come completely clean and purge every remnant of the affair and every connection with the paramour. That means cutting off all lines of communication with the source of betrayal, whether that’s an individual, prostitutes, pornography, or some other temptation.
2. The guilty spouse needs to show remorse and affirm his commitment to the marriage. He must admit wrongdoing and humbly accept any emotions his spouse expresses.
3. You should wait. The initial wound is so deep that it disables rational decision-making, and most experts say to wait months before deciding to end the marriage, even if the urge is to flee immediately. You may want to avoid talking about the affair during this waiting period, allowing emotions to cool, or you may wish to talk.
4. When the initial trauma subsides, talk it through. If the marriage is to survive, the partners need to be direct in asking and answering questions about the betrayal. Be aware that some lines of inquiry might exacerbate pain rather than resolve it. But if the wounded spouse requires information, it is pertinent.
5. Build transparency into the marriage. To reconstruct trust, the unfaithful party (and ideally both partners) must not just be honest, but transparent. Honesty is what couples expect when their relationships maintain their original high level of trust. Honesty is simply describing events and feelings completely and accurately. Once that has been violated, something more is needed. Transparency allows the hurt partner, if she chooses, to corroborate her spouse’s assertions. For example, an errant husband could give his wife passwords and access to his cell phone, calendar,
   and credit card purchases. More important than her actually checking these sources is the
   offender’s willingness to open up every corner of his communication, time, and expenditures.
   Her ability to spot-check at will allows her to rebuild confidence in her partner’s truthfulness.
   For Evan, the repairs really began when he started incorporating phone calls to Kelly throughout
   his day. When he got to work, he’d phone. When he left his office to head to class, another call.
   After class, a third call, and before coming home, another phone call. Evan volunteered to touch
   base with Kelly like this to prove that he cared enough to connect, to reassure her that she was
   his first priority, and to confirm that he wasn’t where he shouldn’t be. These calls became part of
   his wife’s and his daily routines. Even if all he said in one of these calls was, “This morning I
   read two journal articles and prepared for my afternoon class,” connection to Kelly shaped
   Evan’s day. With a quick “Hey, Kel, how was your yoga class?” he showed that he remembered
   his wife’s schedule and cared about her life.
6. At some point—perhaps after the marriage regains its equilibrium— the couple needs to
   address the problems in the relationship and in the straying individual that led to the
   betrayal. This is best done with a therapist or a support network. Sorting through deeper
   problems is not a do-it-yourself project. Evan and Kelly worked through their feelings about the
   affair in counseling. Confirming honesty was essential. Evan’s stealth and the violation of trust
   had hurt Kelly. But before this lapse, the relationship was solid, and since deception wasn’t an
   ingrained pattern, rebuilding was easier.

By Gary and Mona Schriver

"If I don't know what? What happened?"

My mind raced, taking a mental inventory of the day. When I left this morning, she was fine. She seemed even a little bit happy. I called at least three times throughout the day and hadn't picked up on anything being wrong.

"I really don't know what you are talking about."

She looked up at me with a hard, cold stare. "Where have you been?” "I've been at work. I haven't been anywhere else. I swear to you."

"I have been trying to call you for over twenty minutes. They said you left a half hour ago." She was obviously working to control herself. Her words were deliberately paced and her tone even. "And it doesn't take a half hour to drive the three miles to home.

Where have you been?”

The light came on in my head. Radio Shack. Brian. Just how long had I been there? I rushed to explain. "I stopped by Radio Shack and got some solder for my ham radio kit. Brian was working tonight and we got into a conversation about the new radio station."

She slowly got up from the table and walked back into our bedroom, closing the door behind her, her face a confusing twist of emotions. I could see the battle waging within her trying to find truth.

Trust. Something I'd never appreciated having until I lost it completely. Back before revelation, a half hour spent with a friend "shooting the breeze" would not have been a big deal. But in the light of our current situation, it was a huge issue.

Mona was hypersensitive to every minute I was outside her radar. I supposed I could get defensive and say that I couldn't live like this for the rest of my life, but quite frankly I didn't blame her at all. It wasn't like I'd had massive amounts of time unaccounted for while I was involved in an affair.

But how was she ever going to trust me again? In fact if I thought about it too much I had to wonder if I'd be able to trust myself ever again.

But I'd changed. I'd truly repented. And I was doing everything I could think of to heal this marriage.

I knew she would also have a hard time trusting herself. She'd told me her instincts, her "woman's intuition," had failed her miserably. I knew neither one of us could live like this for the rest of our lives. The good day I'd had began to fade with the closing of the bedroom door.  

The Story on Rebuilding trust.

Rebuilding trust is an essential part of healing after infidelity because a healthy marriage requires trust. We can facilitate the rebuilding of trust, which is not easy. Or we can tear down the fragile beginnings of that process, which is far too easy.

We chose to rebuild the trust.

Mona had to redefine what trust looked like in a healthy marriage. After much soul-searching she came to realize she had trusted Gary partially because she believed she'd be able to "know" when or if he was no longer trustworthy. That meant she felt safe trusting him more because of herself rather than whether or not he was trustworthy.

She didn't understand that trusting him really meant putting herself at risk. Her sense of safety rested within a power she actually did not have.

Think of it this way.

In a car equipped for training drivers, there is a brake pedal for the driver and a brake pedal for the trainer on the passenger side of the car. The primary pedal is the one used by the driver in training. But the trainer knows that if the driver errs, he also has the ability to apply the brake on his side of the car and prevent damage or injury. Mona thought she had that same "safety brake" available to her.

This also holds true for those who think that they can rebuild trust in a marriage by controlling their spouse—constantly sitting in that trainer's seat ready to apply the brakes if their husband or wife makes a wrong turn. No one can sit in the trainer's seat forever. Every driver eventually will drive alone.

Let's start with a biblical understanding of trust. The Hebrew and Greek words translated trust mean to believe, to uphold, to support. The idea is firmness or solidity; to be persuaded to have confidence in. We feel safe when we can rely on what we trust.

So when we trust, we are saying that we have been firmly persuaded to believe. We choose a specific chair to stand on because we trust it will hold our weight. When we trust our spouse, we believe this person will do what they say they'll do and not do what they say they won't do. The bottom line is we feel safe. Once adultery has been revealed, that is no longer the case.

For several years, Gary had lied to Mona, and not only that, but he had also gotten quite good at it. After the revelation of his adultery, Mona could no longer trust that he would be honest. What he had done caused great harm. The trust Mona had was gone in a few short minutes. The question neither of us had the answer to was "could it ever be regained?”

Gary understood this very well. He told Mona, "I know what I'm asking. Every time you've fallen backward I've caught you. But this time I let you fall on purpose. It wasn't that I missed catching you; it was that I walked away to somewhere else. You hit hard; you were injured. I didn't even notice. And now I come to you and say, ‘I'm sorry. It's okay now, honey, just fall back and I'll catch you.’"

Rebuilding the trust meant Mona would have to find a way back to believing with confidence that Gary was a safe person to trust. It also meant she would put herself in a position where Gary could, again, let her fall and be hurt. She wasn't sure she could ever do that. But it was also the only way she would ever be caught by him again.

It's interesting that in Scripture, most of the verses dealing with trust are talking about our trust in the Lord, not in our fellow man. In fact there are several warnings about trusting in anything or anyone else.

The truth is that our God is the only one who is completely trustworthy. He is the only one who will always keep His promises. But it was also true that Mona had failed Gary too. Just in a different way. Remember, Gary had trusted that Mona would love him as she had promised. At the time of the affair, from Gary's perspective, she had not kept her promise either. Rebuilding the trust meant that Gary would have to believe that Mona would be a safe person to trust again.

Our journeys would be different, but we would both be taking one. Gary has often heard infidels express that if only their spouse would forgive them, they could move past the adultery. But what they are really saying is "If they would trust me." Trust and forgiveness are two different things. We talked about that in the chapter on forgiveness.

The foundation we rebuild on will be the foundation intended for marriage—God Himself. That foundation is sound because God is trustworthy. We rebuild the trust as if we were rebuilding a house — brick by brick. The house fell, but God's foundation is still safe. The things you do as a couple will, in essence, be handing each other bricks, one at a time, to create a structurally sound house on a firm foundation. One brick at a time until you both learn to function as the team God intended and can begin to sense the safety coming back into your relationship.

The most essential piece in this rebuilding is transparent honesty. We've said it before and we'll keep on saying it. Honesty enables each of you to see the other's heart and paves the way when you hit bumps in the road. Honesty will keep you on the path.

The onus falls on the infidel here. This person sets the stage and the atmosphere. If he or she is willing to share openly about activities, phone calls, travel plans, anything where the spouse is not a participant, he or she has created an opportunity to begin rebuilding trust.

The question that usually comes here is "I'm to be treated like a two-year-old for the rest of my life?" The answer is no—that is what you're trying to prevent. But trust must be rebuilt first.

Trust is earned.

Honesty plays a big role in obtaining it. It's been said that part of a second chance is taking responsibility for the mess you made in the first place. Honestly taking ownership for what you've done to break that trust and what you'll do to rebuild it can encourage a spouse to stay on the path of rebuilding trust with you.

Dr. Doug Rosenau says the "ultimate cause of infidelity is a series of poor choices."1 If your spouse can be witness to the exploration of those poor choices, what Gary calls the transparent soul-searching of how and why the infidelity happened, it offers both of you an understanding of some reasons you are here. It also helps the spouse begin to see that you really want to change and brings hope you'll never go there again.

We must repeat that there is no reason good enough for the choice of adultery. But figuring out some of those baby steps that led to the affair and why you chose to take them helps you choose a different path the next time similar choices are in front of you. If your spouse has been a part of your thinking this through, they are better able to trust your choices next time.

When Gary realized, in retrospect, how vulnerable he was at the time his affair started, the foolishness of the choices he made before anything romantic happened became clear. As he was able to share those insights with Mona, she was able to begin to relax when wondering if it would happen again. As we talked about what choices could have been made instead and what choices he planned to make in the future, the way out of temptation that God had promised became visible to us both.

That same transparent honesty needs to be a part of the spouse's contribution to  rebuilding trust. Mona needed to convey to Gary what this betrayal felt like to her so he could comprehend the consequences of his choices and could understand with empathy the pain his betrayal had caused.

Gary didn't want to focus on what had happened, and he hated to see Mona in pain. This is very common for the infidel, but we encourage you to think of it this way. If every time your spouse wants to talk about it, you shut them down by changing the subject, avoiding the questions, or tap-dancing around the issues, your spouse will hear that you don't care and don't want to change. You just want to move on. And if you're not willing to change, how will they ever trust you again? That is why it is so important to process through this together as a couple.

The other aspect of transparent honesty Mona had to accept was the fact that in the end, she would have to entrust Gary to God and place herself in a position of vulnerability. That was part of what happened the night Gary came home late. Just as much as Gary needed to be accountable to rebuild the trust, she needed to be willing to accept the efforts he was making. Rebuilding trust was a process for her, too. As Gary made deposits in trustworthiness, she would have to credit them to his account.

The final piece we'll suggest is almost too simple. Adopt an attitude that every little thing counts. It all adds up to rebuilding trust.

Gary talks a lot to infidels about getting behind the eyes of their spouse, seeking to understand the things that make a person feel safe and comprehending that some things, even things that are unintentional, can feel like a threat. Like Gary coming home late.

Trust can be lost in an instant—not rebuilt that way. To consistently build trust, you need lots of opportunities to come through.

So create them for yourself. Do what you say you're going to do. If something changes, call and explain why. If you say you'll pick up milk on the way home, pick up milk on the way home. Coming home without the milk becomes something far more than forgetting to stop at the store. It easily becomes another example of why you can't be trusted. Every lie, no matter how trivial, counts.

Every omission of fact counts.

The process is slow and requires both of you. The spouse needs to acknowledge and give credit for the things the infidel does to rebuild that trust. If we refuse to credit a kept promise because "that's what you should have done in the first place," the motivation to continue trying wanes. We all need to know that what we're doing counts.

One of the most common areas we see this is when there is an unplanned contact between the infidel and their partner. Maybe the partner contacted them or a work situation put them together. The one who has been unfaithful is trying to be honest and rebuild trust, so they come home and say the words they know will upset their spouse.

For those of us who have been in that spouse's position, we know there's a little voice in our heads that admonishes us for believing. That tells us we're fools. And we know that our spouse is capable of lying to us. But if it's the truth and we tear into the one trying to rebuild, then we are the ones destroying the trust. And the one who was unfaithful will begin to doubt the value of being honest in everything. If the infidel gets beat up every time they're honest, they will eventually quit being honest. Remember the importance of creating that environment for healing.

Mona prayed that truth would be revealed. And it was. As time went on, her anxiety decreased and she became capable once more of believing Gary.

Trust does not require blinders.

We trust someone because we now choose to believe they will make the right choice. And we believe that because there has been evidence of those right choices.

Rebuilding trust is a risk for both of you. Each will make small steps forward as you see progress being made. Each fears what the future will look like. The one thing we are confident of is if either one of you is unwilling to do the work required to rebuild trust, then the hole vacated by the trust will only grow bigger.

But if you'll work together, take the risk, and create the environment for healing, then you, too, can rebuild the trust that was lost. And the wound of adultery, although huge, will not be fatal.

C. S. Lewis explains beautifully why we work to rebuild trust

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.… The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers … of love is Hell."

By Lindsey Maestas

My husband, Jesse, and I recently taught at a beautiful Valentine’s Day event hosted by a local
church. As we studied through scripture, talked about our marriage and prayed about what to
teach on, we kept going back to two things that felt most important to us and made us a “happy
couple”:  Foundation and Friendship.

Jesse and I know that our marriage is at its peak when the two key components of friendship and
foundation are a priority. Our marriage is to be founded on God and God alone and our
friendship is at its strongest point when we are running side by side toward God and His mission.
We will fail if we rely on one another for our joy, our hope or our contentment. Jesse will never
be able to give my life true purpose, and I will never give that to him. But God does. He is our
foundation and our rock.

Matthew 7:24-27 says, “Everyone then who hears these words of mine and does them will be
like a wise man who built his house on the rock. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the
winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on the
rock. And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not do them will be like a foolish
man who built his house on the sand. And the rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew
and beat against that house, and it fell, and great was the fall of it.”

Although the tips below are fun and practical ways to maintain a friendship in your relationship,
God’s gospel and word on marriage reign in my life. Above all, my number one tip on keeping
marriage healthy is to keep it Christ-centered.

I believe that it is more important to thrive in this area, by God’s strength. Read the Bible
together, pray together, pray for one another, attend church, remain in community and
accountability and listen to the Holy Spirit as He guides your heart. Love God more than one
another, love one another more than your kids and remain on mission together. But remember –
we get to live in His grace. Nobody expects you to perfect this list, but that we can pray for the
ability to love our spouse’s better for His glory.

10 Habits of Happy Couples Who Make Friendship a Priority

1. They communicate well

In every strong relationship, intentional communication is key. Happy couples tend to work past
the basic “how was your day?” conversations. They speak openly about the good topics, as well as the hard, just as they would with their best friend. They aren’t afraid to ask questions that
they don’t necessarily want to hear the answer to. For example: “In what ways do I make you
feel unloved and how can I change that?” They put their guards down and allow vulnerability in
their relationship because their primary goal is to grow closer to their spouse.

2. They forgive quickly

It takes a strong person to ask for forgiveness and a stronger one to forgive. Couples who have a
healthy friendship think the best of one another. They also aren’t afraid of admitting when they
are wrong and they know how to argue well and in a loving way. There is no reason to tear one
another down (they’re on the same team, aren’t they?!) and they work toward reconciliation
quickly to prevent bitterness from affecting their relationship.

3. They have strong friendships with other couples

Who doesn’t want to be reminded that other people go through the same silly arguments (like
which direction the toilet paper roll is supposed to go)? It’s also important to see that the bigger
disagreements that you and your spouse face are dealt with by other couples as well. It is
beneficial to find friends that you both enjoy because you are allowing other people to offer
advice and a fresh perspective regarding your relationship. And isn’t it true that you are often
more aware of how you speak to and act with one another when there are people around? It’s a
win win! God has called us into community and never intended for us to live our lives on our
own.

4. They don’t keep secrets from one another

BFF’s have relationships based on trust and the same goes for couples who live as best friends.
Happy couples don’t feel the need to hide things from one another. Secrets breed problems – and
let’s be honest, who has time for more of those?

So as far as that hidden internet history goes – happy couples aren’t about that. They don’t keep
their phones from one another. They may even go so far as to share passwords (we do!) –
because why not? They’re in this together.

5. They keep the romance alive

Remember the days of the honeymoon phase when you couldn’t get the butterflies out of your
stomach? The nights when you would go on fun adventures, just because, and stay out way too
late? It’s so important to keep that fun and romance alive, even in small ways. Take weekly date nights, write short and sweet notes to each other and hide them throughout the house or send
flirtatious text messages throughout the day.

6. They assume the best about one another

When you come home and the dishes aren’t done or your spouse doesn’t hear something you said, it can be easy to immediately think they worst. “They always fail to do the dishes and just don’t care about how hard I work” or “They never listen to me.” However, couples who assume the best about one another immediately jump to the best conclusion rather than the worst. They understand that their spouse may have just been busy or became distracted in their conversation.

They don’t allow themselves to generalize their spouse as a person who “always” does something wrong or “never” gets it right. Those words don’t belong in their vocabulary. They want the best for the marriage, so they think the best of their spouse.

7. They don’t expect intimacy to begin in the bedroom

I believe that waiting for marriage is totally worth it. But I also know that for some couples who have been married for a while, it can be difficult to keep the fire burning as much as you would like. Happy couples don’t let the busyness of life get in the way of their sex lives. So don’t let intimacy begin in the bedroom. Touch one another, kiss one another playfully while dinner is cooking, give one another a hug every time someone comes home, sit next to each other on the couch and hold hands whenever you walk together. Once you begin to create that intimacy outside of the bedroom, the desire to be in the bedroom more often will grow.

8. They put down their phones

Checking out after a long day to scroll through social media or work on emails for hours doesn’t help to create a BFF relationship. When couples treat one another as they would their best friends, they make the daily choice to put electronics down and talk with one another face-to-face. By putting everything away, they are saying: “I am going to give you my attention.

You are home and I see you. You are important to me. I am devoting this time to you because I
want it to be evident that I appreciate you and love you.”

9. The compliment one another more than they criticize

It is proven that when you affirm your spouse, you are likely to strengthen those same qualities that you are praising. You have the opportunity to build them up and make them better.

However, when frustrations do arise, addressing them immediately helps to prevent any future nagging or criticism of those same behaviors in later settings. BFF couples dealmwith issues head on, giving more opportunity to praise and compliment one another.

Why?

They aren’t blinded by one another’s faults or frustrations. Tearing one another down, especially
in public, is a quick way to damage the ‘best friend’ relationship that you’re working toward.

10. They go to bed together

For married couples, night time is a time for deep conversations, cuddling, movie watching and,
you guessed it, sex. Happy couples go to bed together to create opportunities for closeness.
Even if there are a million other things that they could be doing, they are showing one another
that they’re carving out time to make them a priority. Go to bed together! Have sex! Enjoy one
another.

Paul David Tripp

1. You Are Conducting Your Marriage in a Fallen World

We all face the same thing. Our marriages live in the middle of a world that does not function as God intended. Somehow, someway, your marriage is touched every day by the brokenness of our world. Maybe it simply has to do with the necessity of living with the low-grade hassles of a broken world, or maybe you are facing major issues that have altered the course of your life and your marriage. But there is one thing for sure: you will not escape the environment in which God has chosen you to live. It is not an accident that you are conducting your marriage in this broken world. It is not an accident that you have to deal with the things you do.

God decided to leave you in this fallen world to live, love, and work, because he intended to use the difficulties you face to do something in you that couldn’t be done any other way. You see, most of us have a personal happiness paradigm. Now, it is not wrong to want to be happy, and it is not wrong to work toward marital happiness. God has given you the capacity for enjoyment and placed wonderful things around you to enjoy. The problem is not that this is a wrong goal, but that it is way too small a goal. God is working on something deep, necessary, and eternal. If he was not working on this, he would not be faithful to his promises to you. God has a personal holiness paradigm. Don’t be put off by the language here. The words mean that God is working through your daily circumstances to change you.

So, somehow, someway, this fallen world and what it contains will enter your door, but you do not have to be afraid. God is with you, and he is working so that these grieving things will result in good things in and through you.

2. You Are a Sinner Married to a Sinner

You and I just don’t get to be married to someone perfect. It seems true when you read it, but even though this seems obvious, many people get married with unrealistic expectations about who they are marrying. Here is the point: you both bring something into your marriage that is destructive to what a marriage needs and must do. That thing is called sin.

Most of the troubles we face in marriage are not intentional or personal. In most marriage situations, you do not face difficulty because your spouse intentionally did something to make your life difficult. Yes, in moments of anger that may happen. But most often, what is really happening is that your life is being affected by the sin, weakness, and failure of the person you are living with. So, if your wife is having a bad day, that bad day will splash up on you in some way. If your husband is angry with his job, there is a good possibility that he will bring that anger home with him.

At some point you will be selfish. In some situation you will speak unkindly. There will be moments of jealousy, bitterness, and conflict. You will not avoid this, because you are a sinner and you are married to a sinner. If you minimize the heart struggle that both of you have carried into your marriage, here’s what will happen: you will tend to turn moments of ministry into moments of anger. When your ears hear and your eyes see the sin, weakness, or failure of your husband or wife, it is never an accident; it is always grace. God loves your spouse, and he is committed to transforming him or her by his grace, and he has chosen you to be one of his regular tools of change. So, he will cause you to see, hear, and experience your spouse’s need for change so that you can be an agent of his rescue.

3. God Is Faithful, Powerful, and Willing

There is one more reality that you have to include as you are trying to look at your marriage as realistically as possible. Not only must you consider the fallenness of the world you live in and the fact that both of you are less than perfect, but you must also remember that you are not alone in your struggle. The Bible says that God is near, so near that in your moment of need you can reach out and touch him because he is not far from each one of us (Acts 17:27). Yes, you live in a bad neighborhood (fallen world), and the two of you are less than perfect (sin), but in all this you are not left to your own resources. The God who determined your address lives there with you and is committed to giving you everything you need.

Consider for a moment what the empty tomb of the Lord Jesus Christ teaches us. First, it teaches us that God is faithful. Centuries earlier, after Adam and Eve had disobeyed God, God promised that he would crush wrong once and for all. So he sent his Son to defeat sin and death by his crucifixion and resurrection. He made a promise, and he controlled the events of history (large and small) so that at just the right moment Jesus Christ would come and fulfill what had been promised.

But the open tomb also reminds us that God is powerful. He is powerful in authority and powerful in strength. Could there be a more pointed demonstration of power than to have power over death? By God’s awesome power, Jesus took off his grave clothes and walked out of that tomb.

The empty tomb points us to one more amazing thing. It teaches us that God is willing. Why would he go to such an extent to help us? Why would he care to notice us, let alone rescue us?   Why would he ever sacrifice his own Son? Because he is willing. You and I need to recognize that his willingness was motivated not by what he saw in us but by what is inside of him. He is willing because he is the definition of mercy.

Not Alone

So, when you are sinned against or when the fallen world breaks your door down, don’t lash out or run away. Stand in your weakness and confusion and say, “I am not alone. God is with me, and he is faithful, powerful, and willing.” You can be realistic and hopeful at the very same time. Realistic expectations are not about hope without honesty, and they are not about honesty without hope. Realism is found at the intersection of unabashed honesty and uncompromising hope. God’s Word and God’s grace make both possible in your marriage. Are your expectations for your marriage realistic?  

Malinda Fuller

Love is a six letter word. And it's spelled C-H-O-I-C-E.

It is not a feeling that hits us like a crashing wave and then takes us back out to sea when the
winds change. It is not something we fall into—and then out of. Even though the songs, movies,
and cliches lead us to believe so.

Love is not passion, romance, or lust. It is more than just the highlight reel that we share on social media: the candlelit dinners, vacations, gifts, anniversaries, and other sweet memories. What may start as chemistry, eventually evolves into something much deeper. Better. Stronger. Over time, the small choices we make turn our immature expectations into selfless acts. Greed makes room for giving. Communication improves as two people choose transparency instead of deception. They expose the truth, even if it’s painful. People-pleasing is left behind for a type of servanthood that can only be birthed over time.

It's hard work that does not happen overnight. It’s one choice at a time. One moment. One day. One season. One year.

Similarly, relationships do not fall apart in a day. They disintegrate in the same way they are built. One choice at a time. It doesn’t feel like it in the moment, but the simple choices slowly wear on the relationship when we:

• Omit the truth
• Stay quiet instead of sharing honestly
• Assume rather than ask
• Continually take and not give
• Live in fear instead of trusting
• Choose to be rude rather than respectful

These things come naturally. They fall into the “if it feels go, do it” mantra that celebrities and social media chant loudly. If it’s quick and easy, that’s what we’ll gravitate towards. Sadly, many people have the same regard for their marriage as they do their cell phone. It is something to upgrade, toss, or trade in when the newer and shinier version is available.

Marriage for many people is a word more likely to be paired with “endurance” than “vibrant.” And though they may have a long life, they are anything but thriving. They don’t end in divorce, and many couples will stay together for various reasons, but there is no effort made for the relationship to get stronger or sweeter.

It slowly loses steam. The couple stops trying. They give up. One decision at a time. But love isn’t something that happens. It is a choice. It requires effort. Sometimes monumental effort. When we choose to love the other person in moments where they least deserve it, and when we least feel like offering it, God smiles. We are the most like Jesus when we extend grace, kindness, and love to others, just as He does. 

It is something that we often have no problem accepting, but are challenged by our need to offer it to others. Sometimes we forget that though God covers us with endless forgiveness and grace, He offers the exact same things for those we are in relationship with. 

At times we are faced with the decision to love those who aren’t loving towards us. In other seasons we must choose to love in the midst of a hurt or offense. It requires strength and humility that we do not possess on our own. It demands us to act in ways that that appear foolish against the world’s wisdom, but make God proud. In those moments, love is a most definitely a choice:

• Choosing to forgive when it’s easier to shame the other person
• Staying when it’s easier to walk out
• Asking for forgiveness
• Serving without expectations
• Listening when it’s easier to blame
• Preferring the other person
• Loving when it's easier to be bitter, resentful and proud
• Choosing love, because He first loved us

A Prayer for Your Marriage

Father, help me to choose love for my spouse today. I want to extend them the kindness and grace that you cover me with daily. Help me to see them as you do, to be kind even when it’s easier to be rude. Help me to forgive where there have been offenses even if it’s difficult. Help me to make the right choices, to love, to honor You in our marriage. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
 

Kimberly Wagner

1. Be Kind

Throwing out those two words conjures up all kinds of ideas. I’m not saying put on a frilly apron, paste on a cheesy smile, and ignore your husband’s bad habits—that is not what I mean when I say “Be Kind.” I mean what the Apostle Paul is talking about when he says:

“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you” (Eph. 4:32)

The charge to “Be kind” is an action that is a blend of goodness and usefulness. How can you be “good” to your husband and “useful” in helping your husband pursue godliness? Are you his good and useful friend? Are you good and useful when it comes to helping him fulfill his hopes and dreams?

2. Give Space

It took me a long time to understand that I can easily suffocate my husband. No, really. Without intending to, I can flood him with a barrage of thoughts, passions, plans, and intensity that can leave him gasping for air. Finally, after several years of drowning him, I learned that it is good to give him space. He needs time to process my ideas or plans. He needs time to think before answering my line of questioning. He needs space to rest from my intensity. He needs the opportunity to be alone without feeling guilty for getting time away. Most men need some space.

3. Study Him

Do you know how to practice the “love language” concept? In order to know what conveys love to your spouse, you must enter his world and become a student of your man. Watch what he gets excited about and learn enough to be able to talk with him about his passion. Find out what communicates “love” to him—is it affirming words, physical touch, acts of service (kindness in action), gifts, little love notes on the dash of his car, or maybe quality time? Know what communicates love to your man so you can love him well.

4. Let Go

Hanging on to hurt poisons a relationship. In the same verse where Paul charges us to “Be kind”  he also tells us to forgive one another with this as the criteria: “as God in Christ forgave you.” That is significant forgiveness. And just a friendly warning: Holding on to an offense will cause bitterness to begin shaping your perspective and actions (Heb. 12:15). There is much we can “let go” that we tend to hang on to: hurt from misunderstanding, disappointment over dashed expectations, little frustrations that build into blow-ups! One thing we don’t need to “let go” or overlook is habitual sin. So, another way of loving our husband well is by humbly confronting him.

5. Humbly Confront

If you are ignoring your husband’s sin, you are not being a true friend to your husband. Galatians 6:1–2 charges us with the responsibility of loving others through humble confrontation. The easy thing is to turn your back on your man when he is struggling in sin or to vent in anger. The harder thing is to lovingly and humbly reach for biblical restoration. 

Restoration is a beautiful process that begins with coming alongside your husband when he is in sin and having a “salty grace talk.” Share your heart and express your concerns in an honest but gracious manner—not accusing or placing blame. Let him know that you’re giving him time to consider what you’ve shared, but if he’s practicing a habitual sinful lifestyle and unwilling to repent, you’ll need to appeal to your church leadership for help (Matthew 18:15–18).

6. Be His Safe Place

Your husband needs to know that you’re in his corner, you’re there for him, and you can be trusted. If he doesn’t open up to you, it could be an indication that your husband is intimidated by you or even fears you. If your husband has retreated to a cave of isolation, don’t demand for him to come out, just pray for him and encourage him. Look for opportunities to affirm him verbally. Be patient with him.

7. Laugh Freely

Be creative in finding ways to laugh with your man. Laughter truly is a “medicine” for the soul. It releases the body’s “feel good” chemicals (endorphins) and bonds you and your husband together by creating happy memories. Is there a funny movie you enjoy together? Private jokes between only you? If you don’t have any, find some. Talk about funny episodes or remind him of crazy moments you’ve shared in the past, and take time to laugh.

8. Appreciate

Husbands thrive on a wife’s appreciation. Letting your man know that you’re grateful for him, that you respect him, that you notice his efforts and affirm him for those, is fuel for his manhood! I wrote a book filled with practical content for this point, so I won’t elaborate here, but if you want input on a variety of ways that you can show appreciation, check out the book by clicking here.

9. Kneel Often
Love your husband well by going to battle for him in prayer! Find Scripture passages that speak to your husband’s specific areas of need and regularly apply these to your intercession for him.  

Ask him what specific challenges he is facing at work, or in other areas, and how you can be praying for him. Don’t come across as “spiritually superior” when you ask him for input, but let him know that you struggle as well, so you understand the need for prayer support.

10. Intentionally Snuggle

Most men (not all) would say that physical touch is one of their love languages. Be intentional in taking time to hug your man and lay on the kisses before he heads out to the battlefield. Repeat that process when you see each other again at the end of a long hard day. Ask him what pleases him physically and be intentional in providing time to love him well through sexual intimacy.

Sacred enjoyment in the marriage bed isn’t meant to go only one way, let your husband know how he can please you, and never demean his efforts in this area. Physical intimacy should be a tender dance of one giving and providing for the other—where both are expressing and receiving mutual enjoyment.

Janet Perez Eckles

My husband, Gene and I sat across the dinner table of friends whom we recently met. While we
waited for dessert, the topic of anniversaries came up.

“And how long have you been married,” the wife asked me.

“Forty years,” I said proudly.

“Well, not quite, “Gene said, “more like 39.” He chuckled. “We don’t count that first year.”

I wanted to elbow him for being so uncomfortably honest. They were, after all, new friends. But
he was so right. We wanted to erase that first year of our marriage from the memory book of
life.

But we couldn’t. Those memories linger like the smell of burnt toast. That happily ever-after
didn’t even last through the honeymoon. So what happened? How did that beautiful bride
dressed in white, depicting purity, and that handsome man, looking like a prince waiting for me
at the altar, change so drastically?

What was even more drastic was our disappointment. We walked down the aisle with dreams and
hopes. But the problem was they were framed in unrealistic expectations. We smiled at the
photographer’s prompting and cut the wedding cake, relishing in each moment… unaware of
what awaited us once the wedding turned into marriage.

And sadly, we turned into a real-life illustration of the beauty and the beast. Both of us counted
on the beauty of marriage. But instead, the beast of discord settled in our one-bedroom apartment
with royal blue carpeting.
Blushing a bit, I admit these are the five mistakes I made even before I could use the Crockpot
we received as a wedding gift.

1. Finances and its control.

I came from Bolivia, where poverty was a way of life. My parents
were frugal, guarding every penny. Gene came from a relaxed approach to finances. In his
home, items were bought even when they weren’t urgently needed. In my effort to guard our
income, I asked Gene to account for each dollar he spent. He resisted, indignation flaring up
by my questioning. And rather than appreciate my self-assigned task of paying the bills, he
resented it instead.

2. Time spent with friends.

We were a couple now. I expected our free time to be with each
other or other couples. For me, girlfriend time was limited to small chunks of time. Therefore,
when he took long hours to get home after a racquet ball session with his fraternity brothers, I didn’t welcome him home with hugs. Instead, I made it known I was to come first before friends
or other social commitments. My mistake was to make Gene my source of happy moments and
pleasant feelings.

3. TV watching.

Silly, I know. While dating, we watched anything at all as long as we were
together. But to my surprise, our tastes were different. I liked romantic programs that were light
and fun. He preferred the action-packed flicks. But as we tried to accommodate each other,
resentment had already been simmering inside. I anticipated him to love me enough to say,
“Sure, honey, I know you don’t like detective movies, let’s watch a romance story instead.”

4. Cleaning the apartment.

Gene worked toward his college degree and since I worked full time, I assumed he should help keep the apartment clean. I requested to have shoes, empty soda cans, paper plates, etc. to be out of the living room and put away where they belonged. He saw nothing wrong with leaving the cleaning to weekends. Resentment grew in me. My mistake was to put a clean, tidy apartment above harmony and peace.

5. Time with parents.

Gene loved my mom’s cooking. And heading to my parents for Sunday dinners would be a logical thing to do. But when he decided that we would skip a Sunday or two, I was puzzled. Why would he pass up an enjoyable time with my family and delight in my mom’s cooking? He didn’t have an explanation. And my mistake was to challenge his reasoning rather than to try to compromise.

And so during that first year, dissatisfaction, disappointment, and discouragement were served at every meal. It was clear to me we weren’t a match. The differences outnumbered intimate moments. And misunderstandings, arguments, and slammed doors screamed, “You made a big mistake.”

So why did I stay? One, because we had made a commitment before God. And two, because divorce this soon, with no concrete reason, would’ve been an embarrassing event for all. But that was even more embarrassing is admitting what I brought with me to the marriage. On that wedding day, some commented that I looked radiant. But they didn’t know that underneath that flowing white dress, I wore a black slip of fear.

Fear was at the bottom of all. I was afraid happiness wouldn’t show up if we were in debt. I vowed not to have a messy house as I feared it would be a reflection of me as a wife. I was afraid if Gene didn’t spend quality moments with me instead of his friends, I wouldn’t be first in his life. And if he didn’t agree to stay connected with my family, I’d be unhappy.

In the midst of that fear, happiness showed up when God spoke to my heart through the Bible. I had no reason to fear, to worry or be insecure. God was first my spouse, my divine Father who would meet my needs and make me whole.

Time has swept by since that truth settled in me. And like Gene took out the trash, I took fear out of me. There were lessons learned. Pride put aside. And insecurities corrected.

God corrected my perception of marriage. He transformed my thinking—I married Gene; I didn’t marry my expectations. And now, 40 years later, when we dine with friends, we learn they too struggled at various stages of their marriage. Good to know we’re not alone.

Our house still isn’t spotless; Gene and I choose certain TV shows we enjoy together. He spends time with our adult sons at basketball games and I shop with girlfriends. We invite both extended families to our home. And we tithe to insure financial freedom.

But the most beautiful freedom came when I chose to love Gene without fear, without conditions and without unrealistic expectations.
 

Pam and Bill Farrel

There is a lot of talk about sex, but some of the conjectures are just plain wrong. Here are a few lies that couples believe about sex. When you stop believing these lies, your sex life will become more mutually satisfying and sizzling.

1. Sex is a hot date activity
   Sex is more than erotic gymnastics. Sex is not some performance standard to live up to. Sex is a RELATIONSHIP! Sex is a GIFT! Sex is a HOLY COVENANT. In our book, Red Hot Monogamy, we take a look at 5 reasons why God gave sex:
   1. Procreation
      The human race is perpetuated through the sexual union of a male and female.
   2. Recreation
      “And it came to pass, when he had been there a long time, that Abimelech king of the Philistines looked out at a window, and saw, and, behold, Isaac was SPORTING with Rebekah his wife.” (Genesis 26:8 KJV emphasis added) God could have used any word for sex here but it is commonly translated “sporting” giving the idea that sex within marriage is to be enjoyed.
   3. Reconnection
      “Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (1 Corinthians 7:5) Sex is meant to keep couples emotionally, physically and spiritually connected.
   4. Rejuvenation
      “Strengthen me with raisins, refresh me with apples, for I am faint with love.” (Song of Solomon 2:5) Sex within marriage is good for our health and emotional wellness. For example, here are three fun facts about how sex improves our physical well-being:
      1. Sex releases endorphins and makes us happier.
      2. Sex prepares and protects our bodies for future sex. The more we have sex, the better prepared our bodies are for future sex. And in midlife and beyond, sex for a husband can even help protect him from prostate cancer.
      3. Sex burns calories! According to the calorie counter on the Health Status website, “an hour of sex burns 250 calories, the same amount as an hour of walking... Assuming that one did not make any alterations in his or her diet, by engaging in an hour of sex every day, one would lose a pound every two weeks.” (So walking versus sex—which would you rather do?)
   5. Proclamation
      “He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—for we are members of his body. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.” (Ephesians 5:28–32) Sex is a picture of the complete love and commitment intended for marriage, marriage reflects Christ’s love for the church. In short—your love is a light of God’s love!
2. Sex is not vital.
   To dismiss having sex with excuses like, “we are too busy,” “we’re too tired,” or “we’re too wrapped up in the kids’ activities,” is a decision to rob strength from your marriage. In addition to the reasons above, sex has two very vital bonuses:
   Sex is like the superglue that can hold a couple together through very rocky times. When a couple has sex it releases oxytocin, a bonding chemical, so the more sex with your mate, the stronger the bond. Additionally, when you have “red hot monogamy” not only are you bonded, but happy endorphins release so the outside problems you two might be having seem just a little less daunting.
   Sex is Better Than x-ray Vision. The popular Old Testament term used to refer to sex is “to know.” It is the ability to allow yourself to be so enraptured with your spouse that he or she feels completely safe and able to let his or her guard down. This is truly what makes sex so powerful and meaningful.
   This is also what sex was created to be in the Garden of Eden, before the fall of man. Adam and Eve were “naked and were not ashamed” (Gen. 2:25 NASB). By its very nature, sex requires you to become naked physically, but great sex—soulful and satisfying sex—also allows your souls to be naked before one another. This kind of safe vulnerability can lead to breakthroughs into what is really going on in his or her heart and mind.
   When the trust level is built up by one good sexual experience after another, not only are you willing to risk and try new ways to express intimacy, you become willing to risk emotionally as well. Sex can be a safe place where life’s strongest emotions can be expressed. That is why couples reach out across the darkness and find comfort in each other’s arms when they have experienced great loss. And it is also why sex is so often the celebration after some groundbreaking good news. Sex is the perfect place to share all the best of life with our mate.
3. Sex is steamier if you use porn.
   Bringing in pornography, while it might seem sexy it is actually the WORST choice a couple can make because there is an addictive element to these false images. Furthermore, pornography weakens the ability for a man’s sexual organs to respond. The sexual images need to become more and more graphic to get any response in the body’s sexual system so the use of porn can actually STOP a couple’s ability to be intimate. And some couples (or one of you) may become so addicted on these counterfeits of sexuality that you can be lured down into the swirling vortex of dangerous choices, further eroding trust, and resulting in diseases, or even lead to death.
4. Sex is impossible without a babysitter.
   Come on! Be creative! Sure planning a romantic night might be easier when you can get away or hire a sitter to put the kids to bed before you get home, but it can also be expensive. Much of the fun in marriage is in creating the spark and sizzle for pennies and some imagination. In our book Red Hot Monogamy, we give 200 red hot ideas and many cost little or nothing. For example, dinner in front of the fireplace after the kids are down, or tossing up mosquito netting and twinkling lights over your bed to set a new mood, or turning your bedroom into a serene spa with candlelight, essential oils, a warm bubble bath and some delectable foods typically seen as aphrodisiacs. And in my book Red Hot Tips for Women, I share some ways to transform everyday places in your home to backdrops for love. For example:

1. 1. It’s not the back yard—it is a mountain camping spot. Pop up the tent, and take ONE sleeping bag and snuggle into it together.
   2. It’s not a backyard charcoal grill—it is a romantic fire pit! Drop the legs of the barbeque a little lower, pull up your lawn chairs, and toast up s’mores while you kiss in the glow of the embers.
   3. It’s not a garage—it is a drive in movie. Climb into the back seat, put your laptop in the dash and turn on a romantic movie (like ones from 50s “Drive In” days) and steam up those windows!
   4. It’s not the patio—it is the deck of a cruise ship. Wrap the patio poles in Christmas lights, pop up tiki torches, or float candles in the pool (even the kiddie pool!) Then dance the night away.
   5. It’s not a walk-in closet—it is the inside of a Bedouin tent! Take sheets and Christmas lights and line the inside of your closet, throw down the sofa cousins and all the pillows and make love Sahara Desert style. (Every time the two of you reach into the closet from this point on you will think of each other!)
2. Sex has to be spontaneous to be sizzling.
   Conversely, if a couple schedules sex, not only can they enjoy spontaneous moments of love, but they can regularly look forward to intimacy in the middle of a very busy life. Scheduled sex has several payoffs:
   It gives you both something positive to look forward to each week, like light at the end of the responsibility tunnel. It eliminates the “ask”—no one has to plead, or give puppy-dog eyes of hope because you have both agreed on one night that is a sure thing. Scheduling allows for prime-time planning so you can both come in rested, showered, and in a mindset for love. And scheduled sex builds trust.
   When you both keep your word to each other week after week, this builds a track record of trust then this trust extends outside the bedroom. And much to the shock of Hollywood , it is trust, not extravagance (or deviance) that is the most vital element that keeps a marriage sizzling for a lifetime.